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Schrams' Christmas Letter 2008

 HO HO HO! Merry Christmas! Happy Hannukah! 

 

Recognizing these are hard times, Mary and I decided to send cards that would grant your fondest holiday wishes. News flash: Sorry, the wish-granting elves don’t authorize public executions of hedge fund managers or insurance conglomerate CFOs. It wouldn’t be in the spirit of the season. So, we simply wish you a wonderful holiday season and hope Santa replenishes your 401K plans, stocks, bonds, mutual funds, and savings. Failing that, may your public library have adequate copies of books explaining how to grow and preserve your own food. 

 

Past years’ rules still apply to this letter. Read on at your own risk. Here are 2008’s highlights from Transylvania County.

 

1. Laboring thru the dead of winter, Mary and I built a 10 x 18 foot “man-room” above the garage. Problem for me: no bathroom and Mary keeps locking the door - from outside.

 

2. Note to self from last New Year’s resolution list: Stop sharing local waterfalls death stats with friends and relatives. Also explain that no one ever died at “Bust Your Butt Falls”.  While seeking other watery leisure activities, I typed “falls” in the Transylvania Times’ search engine. Search results yielded an obituary for  a man named Klutz. (Would I lie?)

 

3. Another recent headline from the Times: “Raging Rooster Pecks Woman 71 Times, But Crows No More.”  Knocked her down, causing fractured pelvis and concussion. Search http://transylvaniatimes.com archives for “rooster,” for full story.  

 

4. Because Christmas letters require bragging: My essay about bald-faced hornets won a gold medal in Brevard’s Senior Games. (No doubt a stinging loss for other participants.  And, no, I didn’t pay off the judges.)

 

5. Four geniuses from our local college football team photocopied some $20 bills, spent the copies in town and bought marijuana from another student. All five are in jail.

 

6. Do you remember the bob-cat from last year’s letter? He visited our yard a few weeks ago.  But our neighbors see bear tracks, so we doubt the Nature Channel will call us.

 

7. County gossip: Actor-comedian Steve Martin is reported to be building a home in nearby Lake Toxaway. We later also saw him at our gym. Please sent SASE & $2. We’ll mail autographs  - ours.  

 

8. An unidentified neighbor, perhaps wanting to help with my wasp research, pounded the side of his house beneath wasp-infested overhang. Duly disturbed, a wasp stung him on bridge of nose between eyes. Outcome: mongoloid appearance. He still won’t discuss it.

 

9. To save money, we stripped, pressure-washed and stained exterior of our house. destroyed neighbor’s pressure-washer and our in-ground water pump. (540 feet down) Saved $2000 on paint job but new pump installation cost $4500.

 

10. Bought a new car. Visited Rhode Island. Rear-ended by big truck.  Insurance settlement went well. Suggestion: have close relative who is a trooper in every state you visit.

 

That’s it for this year.  Feel free to mail in your rebuttals.

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